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Only life matters !

Well in the end what matters is if the person is alive or not ! and another thing that is important is how that person leaves us.

Emotional outburst helps in such cases because I feel its natural to dwell anger when we are facing some extremely difficult circumstances and if this hatred is clogged within for long then it will erupt like a volcano and this lava will affect everyone around but once it is out then the sufferer feels good. Sometimes even I tell worries to the strangers in the hospitals, this is very useful because telling it to a living soul is way better than writing in a diary, sharing eases the pressure and burden.

Death will come to all but if you have to witness a painful death then that leaves a long-lasting impression on your life. After that, you can't sleepwalk through life !

Contraints in LOVE !

There are so many factors which stop us from pursuing love, like fear of rejection, age factor, breakup aftermath, dilemma if its a rebound relationship and billion of other reasons but I guess if such calculations are in your mind then you better wait.

Because calculative Love will never understand the madness, obsession and the tendency to sink deep in love and create the world around one person ! I understand the aggression and frustrations when your world is taken from you and LOVE is a very strong force that drives so many of us ! A single moment of weakness is enough to burst the volcano of suppressed memories and the surety that I am moving on vanishes within seconds. What do you expect from a guy whose inner turmoil is beyond his control !

"For some of us 'LOVE' is the only reason to live and this is beyond understanding for the people who live for ambitious pursuits".

My Delusions !

God Bless the souls of people who highlight my delusions !
Today I realised 'where I stand' and 'what I have become', I see emotions and feelings that do not exist. 
I am so desperate for a human connection that I cling on to any 'HOPE" even if it originates from sympathy or pity. Reading between the lines is my speciality and even your silence will be taken as approval.
Wise people say " that nothing is more dangerous than a person with nothing to lose" I am that guy at present and I suggest stay away until I pass this phase else I might end up hurting you or even damage your faith that people are good in general.
Some people die actual death and some die from within and rest of you all continue to live, so imagine the plight of the one dying from inside, wouldn't he want to know what is keeping you all Alive ?

Buddha and his teachings !


Buddha who specifically said "if u meet me on the way Kill me" which means do not allow Buddha to become a hurdle in your spiritual growth. It hurts me to see that Buddhism is founded contrary to the teachings of Buddha.
In my today's failed attempt to meditate in the monastery, I realised that I am giving so much importance to the conversations and people occupy most of my thoughts. This is increasing the flow rather than reducing it because people are COMPLEX !
This blue head Buddha should act as a reminder that he did it and so can we all. Life of Buddha is my greatest inspiration yet ! His teachings like 'No attachments' is still the most dreadful challenge to me. Because I get attached so easily and I am overly curious to know strangers which might be a burden for others. So I will bring this change……...

Silent Self Destruction !

"What appears outside may or may not be always true" !

I guess certain forms of self-destruction may not be visible and might still damage our inner self. During my endless conversation about life and people, my friend pointed out that a person can smile and appear happy from outside but can be suffering from depression. I think that is a very valid point, we never want to expose our vulnerabilities to the world so we pretend that everything is fine even though we are battling with this sinking feeling beneath.
It's natural to rage war against the world when you are wounded but are we in our senses to understand that we are inflicting pain on ourselves for making the wrong choices. 'Destructive Emotions' is the term coined by Daniel Goleman which can describe our present state of mind

INDIA is a land of limited freedom !

We are stuck between cultures !

While reading two books simultaneously about two exactly opposite worlds, I realized that India is stuck between them
The first book is 'Celestial Bodies' by Jokha Alharti (Man Booker winner) about the culture where girls have no say in their marriage.
The second is "Valencia' by Michelle Tea, a memoir in which she casually decides to become a prostitute one day and can easily pursue a same-gender relationship and also hop from one relationship to another with ease.
Indian culture is very different from western and as well as from this Arabic or Muslim Culture, We have LIMITED FREEDOM, most of us can choose life partners but the decision is not entirely ours, the family will always interfere and give their verdict. I guess the reputation of a guy is tainted after one or two failed relationships.

Surrender to the universe (Partially Yet !)

Image credit -Theresa Walstra(Wellness universe)


I strongly feel today that there is no point resisting the change, people will come & go and things will never stay the same. We can't spend our life hopping from one worry to another, I guess there is a reason why we are not given the power to undo past so that we can realize the importance of awareness in the present. If your life is a result of random decisions then you need to consider your choices again.
I will not pretend that I have understood 'Total Surrender', sorry not there yet! but somehow I have the sight of Partial Surrender which means accepting what I can't change, which includes changes I expect from myself like accepting the situations forced on me by the Universe! Although I am not sure if there is a hand of God in that.
Secondly, what I don't understand is why I am trying too hard to get rid of the darkness within me, not sure if I can accept that side of me and is it possible to accept the unjust and inappropriate behaviour of the people.

"It's difficult to be kind to the person who taints your reputation".

so we should just drop our guard and let the universe hit us !!! This part of surrender is not acceptable to me and I feel the need to protect myself from the such harm. i am in no state to let others destroy me!

When a Human Body vanish into thin air !


We all go through different emotions at the time of Death of others, as per my observations most of us are still worried about hustle and bustle of our daily life. I always use this opportunity to ask myself the question I dread the most
"Will I be able to make my life meaningful ? "
I went to the cremation ground just to feel my death. Well I like to put myself in such trauma just to know the depth of my curiosity. Even now I feel like crying but something is holding back my tears. I wish I knew what !
 
Yes, today I feel I need to bring change rapidly, life is short and the pace at which I am moving is not enough. People might consider my practices unhealthy but this is the best way I know to trigger my thought and actually think about what matters in my life.
 
I could easily imagine the sight of my body and the people around preparing for my cremation. My loved ones crying. Even though I feel the temporariness of life still I want to fall in Love again and want to express my real feelings to the people around me and to be so transparent that I take nothing with me to the unknown world. 

Its easy to sleepwalk thorugh Life but its very difficult to keep this in your mind that you will perish one day and live with this thought

 

Sprituality is my medicine to bear this Insane World


As I continue my spiritual quest, I feel I am continuously challenged by circumstances, people, emotions, separations & many more things... Every day I see within me, the heaps of alien emotions hidden in the blind spot. Honestly, I do not like what I see mostly but I guess cleansing is supposed to be like this. Well this filth can only vanish if only I can find the source of all this, the process is tedious but that is the reason I am continuously pushed towards such places where people value the feelings of the fellow being rather than what he does! Seeking with such intensity makes me feel that I am losing grip from reality so I request my companions to be patient with me because it's not easy to go on the edge and come back every time.
It's not easy not to follow the ordinary pattern, or not to follow the population because at every step we are being questioned & criticised. I have been in a cocoon for long but once we come out of it, we naturally want to explore and have meaningful conversations because the second phase is ‘Asking for Help’ so that ‘Arrogance' is not developed. So I request the world to
"Read and share your genuine experiences with me and the people around you because in my opinion that is the only I know to create a better environment where our Individual Souls can Flourish and attain Higher Consciousness. "

Realtionnship is mostly between two individuals who posses different strengths !


"Living with unmet needs is difficult and brings so much of emotional pressure and physical too that it increases the probability to slip into inappropriate Relationship "
As the environment is getting more and more open, youngsters feel more pressure to get into a relationship, books and movies have exaggerated the importance of a Life partner that it has become almost impossible to imagine a life without marriage.
I do not understand why we feel that we are dependent on others for our emotional needs, I think this emotional stability can only come from within, no external factor can play any crucial role in developing our strong willpower. If we become dependent on others to clear our dilemmas, or to help us take us decisions then, in the long run, our credibility is reduced. A relationship is developed and sustained between two individuals who possess similar or different strengths and surely not between a weak and a strong person. Hypothetically speaking, if an emotional wreck gets into a relationship with a clear-headed person then the dominant will never be able to accept the decisions of a submissive. So eventually such relationship will wither away and will leave the wounded souls in the world.

Why do we let people Go !


"Well this is worth thinking about that why are people leaving us or why are we throwing people out of our life"

Reasons differ for every individual, this reminds me of the book 'Confessions of a sociopath' by M.E. Thomas, people with such tendencies do not want to get attached to anyone or sometimes like playing games with people. But let us talk about people who are not psychologically sick, now we ordinary people calculate our relationship on the basis of convenience, so when people start causing troubles in our life we start thinking about ways to get rid of them by saying "You are losing your mind" or "you are behaving like a kid". Sometimes we also leave people who are causing pain to us and also when we realise that we are hurting the person we love.
Now the real question is what do we expect from our relationships? do we want people to accompany us during our travelling or we want to go movies with them or we need a shoulder to cry? Well, we always think about what we want but how many times we consider what the other person needs, maybe she/he requires 'intervention' but we are too consumed in our life and do not care what happens to the other person even if we call him/her our best friend.
"The concept of growing mutually is alien to most of us"

Virtual Image Complex !!!!


Unfortunately, Sigmund Freud is not alive else he would have invented a new term 'Virtual Image Complex’, I guess the foundation of this social networking is our urge to present our best to the world. The question we need to ask ourselves ‘is this the Real ME’ or is it the image of someone who fits in the society quite well. Why are we afraid to accept that we are a 'MISFIT'

"While human beings are great deceivers of others; they are even more adept at self-deception” said by Sigmund Freud 

A person who wants to tell the world that he/she is happy even though that person is full of worries, sadness and pessimism, what is this if not hypocrisy. I rarely come across the uploads which are worth reading, is it all about showing off ur expensive clothes or how beautiful you look with your trimmed beard or make-up…… "Who do we wanna prove that we are great, don’t we already know how we FEEL”
If God is dead then I m okay with it but why the hell Sigmund Freud is dead! Because psychological revolution is required in this century

Exploring India


We all do, all sorts of weird things, mine is a journey to unknown cities, where I know no-one. If u will ask me the reason? I don't know the real reason yet, but today I feel  'I like this spontaneous way to live life', no self-created worries about the future. Just like Jon Krakauer exploring Alaska in the book 'Into the Wild', well maybe it's a bit exaggeration of my travelling but the feeling is somewhat similar. Every day is about Living in the present and survival, no dependent family members, no social gatherings.
Only management of thoughts and food, I wish I could live like this forever, who knows later I might get bored of this life as well.

Masks that we wear !


We all hide behind some mask or the other while reading the book ‘a fine family’ the writer Gurcharan Das pointed out a 'Mask of spirituality’ which is troubling me ever since that what if I have such mask? Just because I am not Ambitious doesn’t necessarily mean I am spiritual. Living unattached life and developing genuine relations only is the core of spirituality according to me, I guess I am on this path.

Sometimes we pretend something we are not, reason can be to impress someone or to boost our confidence or maybe to hide our complex. Masks are things that WE DO or associate with certain images that are stuck in our mind, like if I have to pretend that I have “Modern Psyche” then I will talk more about Live-in relationships or intimacy with opposite gender or maybe oppose "Arranged marriages” although actual experience may not synchronise with the words that I am speaking but this all become the part of the act.
I am searching for the things I am suffering from, my delusions? Among other things, unless I know such loopholes in the state of my mind, I can’t overcome and be a better person. Feel free to let me know about MY MASKS if you know any!
Why we need people around us !


Why do we make friends? As I like to shake my soul every day so I often ask myself such questions. I get answers like maybe I am afraid to be alone or embarrassed to go the movies alone so I dare myself to do all these things before coming to any conclusion! I do not mind roaming alone, in fact, it's better than to be with a company who is convenient. What is the point of having a physical form around you who is lost in his own world and doesn't understand a single thing you say! Most of us are suffering from some complex or the other
"People who feel superior like to hang with the people beneath them, on the other hand, people with inferiority complex constantly ask for the approval of others"
Genuine conversations happen only when real emotions can flow between people, sharing of heartfelt feelings is the actual reason we crave for another individual. The urge to tell someone about the unfair things that are happening to you or destructive thoughts that cloud your judgement is one of the many reasons I reach out to the people. I don't know your reason but I guess its wise to ask yourself such questions, it's the first step to know about the cunningness within you. Because I have seen people become close to the people around them, the later discard them when they move to the new place. This reminds me of the book 'Diary of a Sociopath', frequently changing friends is a sickness or may be a symptom that we are living in our delusions! If we continue to affect the people around us then eventually it will affect our emotional stability, it's easy to blame the world but its very difficult to see our own faults.
"The way we live defines the world around us"

 Draft

 

Do every writer will have to suffer this much or have to go through so many experiences before writing such memoirs.

Self Imposed Restrictions !


"If u will consider what others might say before doing anything then you can never 'Live freely' & you will end up imposing so many Restrictions  "

I m reading the book infidel which is about a Muslim girl who stood against her own religion! Many women fought against dowry, domestic violence, inequality and this all start from small changes we make around us!
 

I speak against these Self-imposed restrictions because they cripple your decision-making skills and overpower your fear! Life will be chaos if we have to consider so many factors !!

 
 In Life one day u will stop caring about others and live by our own rules, we always find that person, who will show us how things can be changed so easily if we speak up! Although my words seem ridiculous to u when u will see what others are doing to live a happy life then u will be shocked!
 
Lastly, most of the girls I met claimed that a job will change their life but just earning money will not suffice for your personal growth and make you strong to Fight against the world, yes what u think eventually we are on our own in this world when it comes to fighting for our rights.
How u live and how u make people sensitive as per ur feelings is the sign of your maturity, not the superficial confidence that we generate by filling our bank accounts. "Suffocation kills the  relationship and I always raise my voice against such suppression "

Realtionships in Social Networking World !


"Image courtesy - Wassem Asaad

I do not understand where social networking is taking us, even the introvert people have so many friends on Instagram and Facebook but in actual life, they don’t have a single friend to confide in !! Because on Social Networking we don’t have to talk to make friends rather just send a request to your friend's friend and most probably your request will be accepted, because the entire world is willing to shout that he/she is social. Its as if being anti-social is a crime! My sisters live in a virtual world, everything that we do is posted on snap chat even when we go for a movie or take a long drive, I feel she is just physically present but most of the time she is in this parallel universe, replying to the comments on her posts & thinking what to upload next. Yes if things go like this then we might require rehabs for these 'social junkies'. As quickly as we make these Virtual friends, with the same rapid speed they go from our life. This coming and going of people keeps us entertained. As someone becomes inconvenient we block that person as if there are no 'Moral grounds', that's the real reason Emotions lack intensity these days because no-one is taking anyone seriously!
"Death of a relationship is way more painful than the actual Death of a person"
"God knows what we will gain by pretending what we are not”,  our long list of followers is merely a way to hallucinate ourselves that we are loved by so many people. But we must test the Depth and intensity of our relations! eventually what matters is, who u can trust with your real feelings and with whom u can share our deepest Fears. Because human interaction is about sharing real emotions and not the small talk!  

Calculative Love & Relationships

 

“We can't refute that most of our relationships are based on the ‘calculations’ we do to maintain the depth and intensity of that relationship”

People do not want to move out of their comfort zone so they start keeping the track of the things they DO, on the request of others. I am not saying its intentional, may its the Defence Mechanism of our mind or maybe its because of our tainted upbringing. The reason is different for every individual but we all must find our reasons for such behavior else we might lose all the people we care for !!

It's not fair to maintain relationships as per our 'OWN CONVENIENCE' or to go things SUITABLE to us. In my opinion, our connection with another Human is our crucial source to shake our thoughts because our selfishness may not be visible to us but others might point it out. Probably 'Selfless Relationships' will exist in utopia but if we can at least be Transparent about our thoughts and follow the high moral values of our soul we will create an aura where peaceful living is possible.

Life is dynamic and so is our connection with the universe and we need to be aware of every word that comes out our mouth and every step we take, in order to not to disturb the balance of people around us.

Spirituality within Me

As  always I try my level best to touch the soul of other spiritual people, even on marriages and other social gatherings I take the initiative to talk to people, because that’s the only way I know for my personal growth and emotional stability, people mostly tell me about their genuine feelings and dilemma’s and I vent my worries and questions to these strangers. I really want people to be blunt and speak the truth otherwise it is not meaningful.

“People underestimate the change I want within me, every day I question customs, social norms, career, marriage, physical needs, fake relations & many more” Spirituality according to me is the sensitivity of the soul, I want to break all the restrictions imposed on me by the society. I am tired of being told, “what to do & how to do it”… I want to free my soul from worries like (what others will think about me). Now I want to follow my heart to reach to as many people as possible, irrespective of gender, location and age difference. I guess its time for me to increase the pace of my transformation, as people pointed out that I will evolve just like the rest of us. I will continue to be like this, as long as I am not affecting another soul, because that will disturb the balance of the environment around me and I might sink in my cocoon again, no doubt solitude can help me in revealing the layers of jealousy, hatred that I have harboured over the years because of my limited understanding of all the experiences that occurred in my life. But to see the profoundness I need people to share their enlightenment.

“It's not easy to see the futility of the things when the entire world is doing it !!

I try not to be offended if the other person does not reciprocate the feeling, because not everyone during these events is interested in a serious talk about the “Meaning of Life” or “Why to Live”, but even if one person respond I feel the contentment and it encourages me to go on a larger scale because I am trying to create transparent world around where people can talk without any hesitation and obstacles in their mind. I do not want anybody to wear the mask of happiness even if they are sulking from Inside. I guess it feels better to express your Emotions at that particular moment rather than repressing it for a later release, probably later u might create a bubble which might burst any minute and which might do more harm.

Marriage or Merger


When a family collaborate with the family of the same ‘class and religion’ for the benefit of both the families, what do we call it Merger or Marriage?

Almost every couple who had fallen in love are supposed to hear this from their parents at least once or many times during their lifetime depending on the psyche of their parents. They say “love is not enough, we have to live in society, love will fade away”. But whats the actual reason that they are so anti against love marriages

Probably its because that we are unable to accept the decisions taken by other, parents who created and nourished their kids, wish to choose the spouse for them. Because their experience of the world is greater.

On the other hand, youngsters want to make their own decisions because it's their life. They should be given the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes and grow mature. Maturity doesn’t come with age rather it comes with learning.

"Whenever two individuals decide to enter into a relationship, they must consider that they might have to go against their family for the conversion of this love into marriage"

I don't understand why people take this marriage decision so lightly, for me it is a crucial decision of my life. Career is given so much importance.
"What matters more, my package or the love and respect of the person sleeping next to me"
I can't imagine my life living with a person I don't love, well this so-called financial stability is required for the family which is to be done out of 'love' and not as an obligation. We all have to work on our emotional growth to maintain a healthy relationship with our life partner. Being Successful is not an excuse for your inability to express love and care for the person who matters most in your life.

"Marriage is not an arrangement between the two individuals but a union of two souls to raise few more souls"
it is not a factory for the continuity of your family name or a process of making a baby who will support you in your old age.

“Things which we Laugh about, depicts the maturity of our Mind” 


If you feel the impulse to laugh on the handwriting above then go ahead LAUGH.  I always felt that the content that we laugh about reflects the true state of our mind while reading 'The Glass  Castle' by Jeannette Walls I realised, even she was traumatised that everyone is laughing off her appearance. I have heard people laughing on weird hairstyles, facial features or gays and sometimes as petty as a striped shirt. Just because your clothing preference does not match with the other person that doesn’t mean that another person is a joker! Not everyone is blessed to have the branded clothes and neither everyone is concerned about Fashion, I guess obsession about looks is merely a way to suppress our inferiority complex.
Sensitivity can be acquired with the awareness of the way we do things, even such small changes can develop our personality to a great extent. Laughing on yourself is considered healthy but on others is rude. Go next time when you feel like laughing on others, THINK AGAIN !!!

“Opposite gender attracts me” 


What is in this physical form of a female, that I still get so attracted. What is this urge which is instilled within me that I am unable to control my senses?
Maybe this physical release is vital for the functioning of our body or maybe it's essential for the continuity of the "Human Race", which God created to serve some purpose which is still unknown to us.
I have heard so much about the channelizing this energy otherwise hunger for flesh will increase continuously, this need takes over all the rest of the needs if unsatisfied. I don't know how to control the enormous energy flowing within me?

“Stop making me a machine !!!!!” 

Image courtesy - www.tenor.com

Why the hell this entire world is making it so difficult for me to express my feelings, I am a human and I feel concern, affection, anger, frustration and regret.

But every day I feel that people do not like when I say what I feel and I seriously have NO switch to OFF my feelings, I don't understand why we have control something so natural. Please for god sake create a better environment where people can speak their mind else we will end up becoming a machine which works, earn, live and die

Poetry

 
"Love is lunacy and an ailment with no cure,
And I don't want it anymore
All those years we spent together,
 You said you will be with me forever
 
I did the best I could,
Still your family thought our love was impure.
I bent my knee to them and asked for their blessings
Still they said it's not originated from the core.
I put everything I had on the stake,
Then u pointed out that u did all the sacrifice
Maybe I was delusional, it was not as it seems,
Now you want me to forget you like bad dreams
I wish I had the power to transform my life
And give myself another chance
But once dreams are shattered,
And thoughts are cluttered
It's hard to gather the courage to jump again and I feel I have nothing to offer
I firmly believe that another soul with me will only suffer
Wounds may heal but will surely leave the mark,
Deep down I know life with me is too dark
Maybe moving on is not my nature,
This is my destiny and that’s  how I will suffer
Love does not happen with calculations and everyone does not experience its creation
Some are entitled to become the victim of its destruction
Love is contagious, a sickness with no cure,
And I seriously don’t want it anymore