My Diary

Open Diary

After writing for more than a decade in diaries and sealing them in the cupboard, hoping that someone after my death might ask for it. I feel now is the time to make my Journals Public 

Because now that I have realized that I have nothing to prove and mostly, I don't need to convince the society that I am perfect. Instead, I have to disperse myself in-universe to become more transparent with my emotions and thoughts to seek opinions and work on transforming my flaws.
Most of us are interested in others' real thoughts, and hopefully, this step will make my relationship better with the people around and remove my notions of being a misfit.

God knows how to strike a balance between present and future !!!

Back in Delhi with my backpack and a strong urge to explore India via railways. Often I feel the freedom to do it but lack the resources, and when I try to acquire wealth, then I lose my spare time !

I without my thoughts !

My thoughts are the result of the incidents that happened in my life; I call it learning, and if I have to get rid of these so-called learnings, then nothing is left within me. We all are merely living for survival and waiting to die.



Disassociation and unattachment !

Disassociation and unattachment may result in emotional growth, but I have chosen the path of love in this respect. 


I wonder if this makes any sense, but if I lose my love in pursuing this emotional maturity that I crave, then it will be of no use. Once you are alone, you always feel you are growing from the depth, but when a partner comes for whom you have to give up yourself and beliefs that you carried for so long, then the real test begins, you get to know who you indeed are and what you have become so far.

Hollowness inside  !

At times the emptiness within us takes over, and human-to-human interactions become so essentia

l that we start approaching strangers.


I wonder if these strangers can really understand that the mere intent is to have a conversation but people often find it offensive and get uncomfortable because of theis initiative.

Life after 15 years !

I am back at PVR Priya in Vasant vihar of Delhi after ten years, and I had so many dreams about my life as a student, but nothing worked at last. This used to be the most happening place before, and now things have changed so much, and people have discarded it and moved to others. My Life has undergone a lot, too; I lost my mother and father, witnessed their horrifying death, and concluded that jobs aren't for me. The short life I have been offered will be utilized in being free, where each day counts, and each relationship will be nurtured with patience and plenty of time. 

I chose a simple life, but it is also hindering my exposure. People and circumstances inspire me to write. Metro city life offers me a lot of writing content and brings out so many hidden aspects of me. When I see the mask of others, I am compelled to scrape off the masks hidden in my personality. A trip to a cyber hub brings out so many hidden desires in me; I can't stop wondering what is on the other side of the hedge in the materialistic world. 


I do not like the way this world functions. !

People continue to give me unsolicited advice, and I continue to live my life the way I intend to. Still, people pester and bully me, and I often heal my wounds with self-pity and sympathy.

Indian culture and Joint families !

In Indian culture, some newly married people choose to live with the family others create their separate homes. At some point, few members get stuck under the obligation to make more sacrifices than others. I believe every individual must obtain the space to breathe; otherwise, the lack of privacy often gets on the nerves of the individuals.

Now privacy is not something that we request for or seek approval of 

Instead, it's something that we desperately need. Striking a balance between assisting the ambition of others for the financial stability of the family and side by side nurturing yourself to stay peaceful is very challenging at times.

Awareness of the world inside U !

Unreasonable things happen, and we have to learn to digest something that we cant revolt against.

Isolation !

We all have at least once been infected by corona by now. During my isolation, I realized how unpredictable our life could be. we live under the illusion that we have a long life, but I want to nourish the thought that I have a short life which enables me to live in the present more rather than dreaming about how to safeguard my future 

Letting People Go !

We all must learn to let people go! I received a call from another carer of a cancer patient who craved emotional support, and I always believe that sympathy doesn't work. We all must find the strength to let people go!

Discussing your grief with others never gave me any comfort. i battle with my worries myself.

Thoughts on another Birthday !

On another birthday, an app says I have been alive for 12,784 days. I wonder what's the use of my life so far, I have just been surviving and struggling, and I fear my life will vanish instantly, so I try to live it differently. Most of the people around seek safety, but I don't crave it desperately. I am adamant about maintaining my freedom; because of that, I have become the family's black sheep.
From this birthday, things change, and i have kept my phone on and taking wishes from family and relatives. as life moves on we

MY thoughts on LOVE


Self-justifying Mechanism!

Most of us have developed a Self-Justifying mechanism that serves as an excuse for our selfish behavior. Can we rational beings see things the way it is rather than what we want it to be? I highly doubt that!

Are we really trying to get rid of our illusions? Do we really think our decisions are not affecting the people around us? Repercussions may not be visible to us because we may pretend not to see them or plant a thought in our mind that this was the only option available. Whatever suits us may not be suitable for others. Are we concerned about the lies we are spreading and the damage we are causing by spontaneous acts?

Living in Awareness doesn't mean calculative and controlling life; in my opinion, it merely means knowing the things you are doing and why you are doing it and what will be the consequence.

Bullied by the Society !

Yesterday, one of my friends accepted that she had wounded her pride after being repeatedly hit by society. I somehow feel that this is happening to most of us because people are too keen to comment on the life choices of others. Critics throughout the world are disturbing the peace of spiritual wanderers. I guess we are to be blamed for this outrage because we lack the clarity and courage, so we seek the solicited and unsolicited advice, which in the long run damages our spiritual quest because the choices we opt for are not followed by the masses.

We have to create a solid niche surrounded by the firewall, and only our loved ones must have access to challenge the choices we are making in life.


We are buying HOPE !


Yes, this is the situation of cancer patients; in the end, it comes to buying the expensive hope. Then, when none of the treatment is actually working, we just continue the treatment to keep the patient optimistic that we are doing something to save her.

As we grow old !


As the years pass, we become flexible; it's possible that finally, the feeling sinks in that all our dreams will not be turned into reality, so we shortlist the most important ones and let go of the rest. Is this a part of growing up or becoming practical, or we learn to curb our wild imagination?

Thoughts of Indians in Corona Times !

Oh my God, living in India at this time when more than 200000 patients are infected by coronavirus daily.

Our world is floating every day, jobs are under threat, lockdown is starting again, and marriages are postponed. Nothing is certain, and nothing will be for a long time!

Keeping the people around Happy !

I often wonder why we intend to keep our father, mother, and other relatives happy. What do we really gain out of it apart from the peaceful environment? Agreeing to elders' religious requests has become the motto of so many youngsters even when they lack faith in such beliefs and customs. Are we not raising their bar of expectations by partially agreeing to do the nonsense for their sake? We may do it out of our BLIND LOVE but do we not already know that it is impossible to keep everyone happy all the time. Will we be able to live freely if I have to consider others' sentiments all the time? Are we bound by their limited thought process for their incompatibility to change over the years? Will they ever bring change until we rebel? Are we not hindering their growth and our own growth, too, by not standing firm on our own thinking. It might appear easy at that moment to avoid conflict. Still, eventually, u are weaving a trap in which someday u will get caught.

It's time; every individual must present their independent thought process to the world.

Finding flaws in others !

What kind of blind behavior is this! Does each person have to justify his existence in comparison to others?

Do we have to convince ourselves that we are better than others?
After realizing our own mistakes, do we really have to tell others that they have made blunders too?

"People with flaws always try to find flaws in others."

Blunt thoughts after reading the book  'Top 5 regrets of dying by Bronnie'

"Bronnie has reminded me of my last days with my dying father, who was craving emotional support from me. Presently, my mother is also diagnosed with a terminal illness and requires the same support. Lastly, I, who is witnessing this and is on the way to becoming an orphan, also need emotional help. Now, if everyone will expect, then who will provide this so-called emotional support?


I am still not sure about many things

"It requires courage to do something against the person who hasn't done any harm to you!"

Can I do anything against my distant family member who is getting involved in scams run by government people or politicians? I'm not sure if I can really tell him that he's crossing the line, and once you choose the wrong path to earn quick money, then you can never go back to being right. I never expected that he'll fall prey to such means to maintain his survival after retirement. It's complicated to point out that someone is earning money through foul ways if you not earning money at all.

“Is there any rule that says being unemployed is better than doing immoral jobs!”

If so then this gives me the right to speak my mind

Alienism in Offices and Groups

I have often heard that people do plan to alienate one of their group members. Once a person's reputation is tainted, even the weakest person in the group gets the courage to throw remarks on the person who is supposedly thrown out. If others back someone's opinion, then this generates confidence even in the emotionally weak person. Although this doesn't help a person develop independent thinking, it instead makes the person dependent on others' approval.
And the poor soul who becomes the protagonist in such incidents either feel depressed and questions his choices or come out as a lone wolf who survived the attack.

I guess the easiest thing to do is to drop a friend based on generalized opinion, and the most challenging thing is to stand by his side.

Unlearn your tainted Inheritance

Can we Unlearn whatever we learned during our childhood. I have acquired the habit of being carefree. Maybe you learned to be angry so much.

Each one of us has inculcated something or the other from our family, which we shouldn't have still in our innocence. These bad habits crept into us. We never had the awareness to get rid of them.

I feel it's time to unlearn such traits that affect you and your loved ones, making your life and relationships difficult.

Let go of the Regrets

As we take so many decisions in life, we are bound to think about 'what if' I would have taken a different choice. There are endless possibilities to live a life. A discontent being will surely think he made a wrong choice but do we really know if our life mistakes were really mistakes.

Secondly, what is the point of thinking about the things that we can't reverse? All these years, I was also burdened with why I lived my life like this. But I guess things will always get complicated, and it doesn't matter what we choose.
I firmly believe that we must not keep such regrets because this affects our peace.

Desire to prove

After every few days, I feel this urge to prove to the world that I am a struggling writer and not a failure. Now it's one of the most challenging dreams, especially in India, where millions of manuscripts are submitted to publishers. These words are soothing, but it's not the entire truth. It takes much courage to write about your past and fears. My days become gloomy if I try to write about my father's last two months when he was dying.

It's tough to write about what matters in life, and generating such content takes months of learning. there is no short cut to writing a book, and it might take my whole lifetime to publish even a single book that is worth the readers time

Life teaches you the lessons that you don't want to learn

Sometimes we become so unreasonable that we want Life to give us the troubles that we are prepared for, that we know about, but life teaches us the lessons that we don't want to learn! There are few things that I have suppressed and do not want to talk about, and often I find myself in a similar situation to discuss or face my fears again?
God knows what is in store for me, and my family is shaken by Cancer twice, so I am assuming I might be diagnosed with any such ailment anytime, so I live my life; accordingly, I wonder if life will bring new troubles I haven't even heard of!

"Life throws on you what u can't catch and especially when you are least prepared for it ."

Fake Vs Real Relations

The easiest thing to do is to convert your close relations into formal ones by creating the distance. We prefer Formal connection with people because it involves no interference and accountability. Such people exist in our life with their fake concern with no intent of our welfare.

Still, life fools, we continue to replace the genuine people (who bring change in us) with the people (who are least bothered about the crucial decisions we take in life.)

Attack of your Mind

We can't keep a check on our mind, and as soon as we let it run wild, we are bound to get the attack of our suppressed thoughts and dreams.

While crossing this vulnerable stage, we often make hasty decisions. Only God knows how to avoid such situations, but in my diary, I often think about ways to transform my mind into a peaceful state where avoiding any thoughts is rare.

Instead, I try to face difficult memories and accept fate. Just not thinking is never a solution because sooner or later, you might collect so many disturbing thoughts that it might clog your mind and probably cause dissatisfaction in your life.

Don't be Ambitious in LOVE


Whatever Life is offered to us.

It's the truth I have to live the life which is offered to me. I can't think about what others are doing in their life. They might be having troubles I can't see or imagine. Swap option is not available, so why do we even compare and dream so much. Such dreams make reality unbearable.


It's not easy to digest your insults; people make you feel u r small and powerless. either you accept it, or you react to it, but you always cling on to these insults

Money money ......... nothing else is left  !!!!

The only task that makes life meaningful is 'earning money.' This is the psyche of my countrymen. If you are not running after your career, then your life is futile. Day after day, people repeatedly say this everywhere.

Is it wise to think that the tasks that do not fetch money are useless, and people pursuing other dreams have become the family's black sheep? Why are we not allowed to think beyond survival? where did society's creative freedom go?

Indeed there is something wrong with our thinking because most people on their deathbed say, "I wasted my life."

Foul Relationships

I don't know why most people keep relations on edge. They want to see when the person will bend and how much he/she will be flexible about it. I do not know what to call this except playing games with others to gain control and use them for their own advantage.

Pointing flaws

It's not easy to digest the disapproving look of others, and it's even more challenging to live with people who disagree with your psyche. Often when we raise voice against others' decision, then we become enemies whose vulnerabilities will be highlighted soon.
I get stuck in these situations almost every day, and then I ask myself how do I manage to create so many issues.

Life is constantly Shifting !

Life tends to change overnight. We are living in a constantly shifting world. A person who feels successful at night may become unsuccessful the next day. Then why do we run after stability still.

Stop Marketing yourself !

In this social networking world, each individual is under pressure to present his image to the world. Some say they are the most happening explorer or globe trotter and others, like me, who think they are an unpublished writer or raw talent and many more like professionals or artists.
'It seems everyone is on to something big.' when did WE become a brand who is in a constant need of attention. What are we afraid of? Turning into a Nobody who is living under the radar and will one day vanish from the face of the earth without a trace!
Isn't this the eternal truth

New breed of Monks

Its been years I have been in a dilemma by the title of Robin Sharma's bestseller book 'the monk who sold his Ferrari.' I always felt that the title doesn't tell what he did with the money he received by selling his Ferrari; why dint he gives it away rather than selling it! Osho pointed out so many years back that new sort of sanyas is required in which people will not run to the mountains. Instead, they will stay in society and face the temptations every day and continue their path to spirituality. The famous writer Ayn rand said, "selfishness is the virtue."

Its been years, I have been struggling with these conflicting ideas and torn apart by these opposite forces which lack the synchronization in today's world where the economy is battling to survive. Still, a spiritual person is expected to curb his ambitious nature.
Many centuries back, Jesus said, "love thy neighbor." but can we love that person who is using his empty flat to quarantine Corona victims. I can't let people put others' lives at risk to save their own family, so I fought with them like a bull. Although I couldn't manage to throw them out, at least I made them realize that they are a devil on earth. God knows how anyone can preserve their saintliness in such an environment and conditions. I give up!

Flaws in our behavior

Flaws in our behavior are not easy to identify. If we are defensive, then we will never listen to a reason, and if we are indecisive, then we will cloud our judgment with so many factors and refuse to accept the help of others in sorting out the situation.
Most of us are not even aware of these personality flaws because we rarely question ourselves, which is the only way to realize that we lack specific capabilities. In life, we have to become our critic if we wish to grow.

My Life in Corona Times

I want to ask God that coming of Cancer the second time in my family was not enough. That he also gave us corona to tackle as well. My mother's life is already short, and now I have to protect her from corona; otherwise, short will become even more shorter.

I will have to live with the regret that my negligence became the reason for her sudden departure, and cancer did not claim her life. How can anyone live under this much pressure ????

While reading 'Devils Advocate' by Karan Thapar

 So many thoughts come to me while reading the experiences of different writers, I am amazed by how their world become mine and I forget my world. Somehow I love to do this and will continue do it as long as possible.

This book stimulates so much thinking and emphasizes how much our politicians are desperate to keep their image clean. A must-read for every Indian.

 It's enormously hard to write about things that upset you or incidents that moved your life upside down, and it's like feeling the pain for the second time when you barely survived the first blow !

The world is too busy to Notice You


I never understood what do we gain by telling our inner turmoil to the world. I have written so much about things which matter according to me, but I wonder deep down, do we care about what is happening to others? I always hoped people would come up with new ideas or send me a direct message with a fresh perspective. The world we live in is too occupied to consider the emotions of others, or maybe the world is lost in some other dimension, and perhaps I left behind somehow or fell in the black hole who knows, but I am sure I do not belong to your world, and you don't understand mine.

"Post what matters and post for change only, this is my only resolution while using social networking. "

Right to Safety


I feel every day I have to stand up for my rights sometimes, and I have to file complaints against hospitals for negligence, and other times, I have to fight with my neighbor not to send the corona patients within their family to live in the empty flat next to my place. People are minimizing their own risk, and they don't care if others life is in danger.

 "Is it ethical to put others' lives at risk to save your own family?"

This is happening all over my city; vacant flats are being converted into quarantine centers to avoid the surging hospital bills. This, in turn, is spreading the corona in the areas where there was no victim previously. People leave no opportunity to save their money, and this miserliness will take the lives of so many innocent people.
I indent to expose people who are using references and bribes not to let their business and homes shut where corona was originated; instead, they convince government officials that the diagnosed person was living somewhere else alone. I have witnessed the cunningness of people throughout life, but this is the new height where they don't care if people die because of their stupid decisions. What sort of selfish society we live in where every individual is looking for his own interest.

How will we survive like this !!! 

Relationships and me


Each of us struggles with this question of how to maintain a relationship with family and friends. I often make people angry with my bluntness and with my insistence to maintain better transparency of emotions. What I hate the most is when people move in oblivion whenever I accuse them of hiding the emotion or information that was crucial, like when I push them so much to bring change. 

They give silly excuses like 'can't tell about the pregnancy until the fourth-month starts,' many other superstitions and billion of other things still life goes on with maintaining distance and coming close but do we really know where to draw the line ?

" Rather than letting people go, we have to let go of the things that have affected the relationship.

Don't Learn to live with it ! but start Living...

I still stick to the fundamental question that 'What r we becoming?'

I sincerely hope that I am not becoming a 'Virtual liar' who posts a selfie in these Corona times and says, "everything is okay." Are we afraid to accept that nothing is Normal and as per the predictions, nothing will be for years to come!

Hospitals have become unsafe, human contact is forbidden, unemployment is increasing, the Indian economy has sunk so low, traveling has become impossible. How much can a person learn to live with? WHO says, 'We have to learn to live with Corona Virus,' Doctors say 'Cancer never goes entirely,' Lastly, the incidents and unfortunate circumstances also fall upon us. Amidst all this, we have to stay happy, how is this even possible?

Its times like these that we realize that we are living on a borrowed air and nothing is permanent in our life, all that we have created might vanish in a few seconds, we own nothing. So live in the present and make the most of today because tomorrow may not come.

Value of a person...

 People want to do the work that counts, most of us are interested in landing into secure jobs and this race kills the creativity of the individual because the person pursuing the passion with very low success rates are considered FOOLS

 "In today's world, a person is valued based on his job title and not by his Morals and thoughts. "

Cancer !

"Cancer breaks you physically and emotionally, It tears apart your dreams, desires and self-respect until you become non-existent yourself."

What you Deserve !

Your partner will always give you what you deserve, who are we to question that we deserve more. Self- worth is merely an assumption created to boost your own EGO.

My Saneful Living !


Just like others, I too, feel that I am living a unique experience, which I call SANEFUL LIVING. A life with no alcohol, no smoking, not using people for physical pleasures, not exploiting colleagues for higher positions, and also not doing so many things which my Moral Compass dint allow.
Such a way of living is not valued much because people are consumed in their ambitious pursuits. I do not crave for appreciation from others because I do not do this to impress others but for myself, because

It gives me peace because I am not affecting people and the environment, so my soul is not tainted with  Immoral Acts.

Love in its essence!


Love blooms and withers everyday, we have to nurture our relationship like we take care of our baby.

We all express love in our ways; our expectations are mostly not met in this aspect. I do not expect easy things from people who claim to love me. In return, even I do what's best for the person I love. Obviously, this depends on my understanding as well, and only my intentions will not suffice. In love, we accept the decisions of our partner unconditionally, even when it's inconvenient and might call for criticism from others, and why do every person feel that he/she is doing more than his/her partner?

Easiest thing in the world is to find flaws of your partner but can we open ourselves to see our own !

We all have to live by our decisions!


Every decision that we take plays a crucial role in our life. Some decisions haunt us, and others make us proud of our intellect. When it comes to people, we decide who we want to keep around and who we want to throw away. recently I heard someone say, " meet people and build a network." Is this what Human relations have become just a means to build your career or connect with someone to 'take advantage of.' why Human is not considered HUman in today's world.

We choose between ambitious life or saintly life, and we also shortlist a kind of partner often based on our calculations. Billion of things are sorted without given proper thought, so many people are affected by our randomness, and most of the incidents can't be reversed, Things that determine our life and the life of others. Most of us live under the regret that others were unfair to us, and some also regret doing bad things to others.

In the end, we have to live our life accordingly . "now the question is that are we alert and fully conscious when we take such crucial decisions? "

Contentment is very Rare !!!

Yesterday I felt that none is content with whatever they got! Is it human nature that nothing seems perfect, we always ask for more and if not more then something different. but almost everyone is dissatisfied with their present situation

People Pleasing Personality !


Most of the people are like this, and they want to keep people around them happy. It doesn't matter if the person is reasonable or not; they even crave approval from the wrong sort of people. Why are we so afraid of the comments from the others.

Let people speak against us, do we really have to get affected. Can't we be neutral to the opinions of others.

Why do we self-inflate our image? Is it some sort of inferiority complex, or do we want to influence others by claiming that we have taken crucial decisions for others and people ask for my opinions? Does this confirm that I am mature and play a pivotal role in the functioning of society?

Do we ask ourselves, or we really know the reason behind the stupid things that we do ?

Anger Within Us !

Can others bring the worse in Us ?

I am not sure if circumstances bring the worse in me, or maybe I am full of anger and need an excuse for all that frustration and irritation to come out.

My blood boils when people do not assume responsibility for their actions and deep down we all know that our mind is corrupt and we are in a serious need of the cleansing of the soul.

People try to suppress the anger of others by showering their self-induced anger back, such techniques may provide temporary satisfaction but in the long term, it kills the relationship.

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